Raising succesful children

Parents have a great deal of pressure layed upon their shoulders to raise successful children. From the moment the child is brought forth into the world (or even before that fateful day) parents are constantly harassed with messages from the media, their society, their respective cultures (especially in the West) that they must raise these children without error. To err in your parenting means you will have failures for chidlren.

No one ever spells out what fatal errors you can make, not in real terms, nor do they truly define success. What is success? What is failure? How do you fail as a parent? How do you succeed? And the biggest question yet, goes unasked or unanswered: What happens when you do fail your children? Because you will, not only once but more than once, even when you do your best at the time with the tools you have.

So many parenting experts and theories abound that it’s enough to drive a parent crazy trying to find the answers to their questions. In my own parenting I have learned a lot, mostly from my failures, though I am happily at a stage in parenting to see some fruits of my labors appearing and I am able to count the blessings of what has worked (often because of my failures).

So, let’s get the failures out of the way, first: Beyond emotional, psychological, phyiscal, sexual and verbal abuse there are many ways to fail a child. The former are dire, and some common, and far more common than most people like to admit to. There is no excuse for those failures. As a matter of fact there are no excuses for any failure, but there are reasons. It is wrong to assume that children “bounce” from trauma. Some do, and some don’t, creating resiliency is the key. Just like every parent will fail at some point, every child will accept failure, or trauma, or having been failed. It’s the ability to cope with such events in life, and the understanding that these things indeed happen but it is your response to them that truly defines you (not the event itself) that makes or breaks a life.

In my own journey I started out with  a tool box filled by my family history (just like every other parent on planet Earth),  some of the tools were good, and many were unproductive. One of those was yelling, being unable to deal with frustrations well and a lack of understanding that a child is a child, a person in training. I changed out those particular parenting tools (because they didnt’ work) with new ones after I took a Developing Capable Young People training session, and added in some new tools. It took several years to master those tools, but then it takes that long to master any skill. Parenting is a skill.

When my daughter turned 13, life was very difficult between her and I.  We fought constantly, and no matter which tools I attempted to use, I felt as if I were drowning in a sea of annimosity. I did not give birth to my children to love me, or to be grateful, but neither did I wish them to out right hate me. She and I were heading firmly down that path when one day in a fit of rage she spun on me and listed in a stream of vitriol everything I had done wrong up to that point as a parent. At first, I reacted (internally) in anger and pain to her words, but something kept my mouth shut, and I let her spew her anger, frsutration, and yes, hate, at me. It hurt. It hurt  a lot, but the thought rang in my head. “She’s right you know. You have done or not done all of those things she’s accusing you of…”

When she paused for breath, I took a deep breath myself and said, “You’re right. I failed you. I am so sorry. I wish I could take every hurtful thing I have said or done back, but I can’t. I did have anger issues when you were young, and I treated you badly some times, I was wrong.”

She stared at me. I stared at her. And internally I thought, “Wow, if I had been told that as a young person, what would my life be like?”

It took NOTHING away from my authority to admit my mistakes, my errors, and my failures as a parent. Once things were calm, I addressed the issue further with her, and also made sure to redirect her attention to the present, asking her if I still did the same things. Not so much to clear myself, but to make sure that she and I were clear. It saved our relationship. That five minute diatribe of hers, and my 20 second admission of fault, saved us from a hellish few years.

She’s almost sixteen now, and we still go toe to toe on occaision. I am quite aware that she is the child, and I am the parent. My authority is not in question, not in my mind nor in hers. She pushes for dominance because biology is telling her to. She is beginning the long slope down hill to independant living. My goal as a parent has and always will be to facilitate my children’s ability to become self sufficient human beings capable of defining their lives, and ensuring their success in the world. I see that she will have that, though she is still in training.

What do I mean by self sufficient? What do I mean by success?

Self sufficient means able to care for yourself and possible dependant people in your life. It means knowing what you can and cannot do, your strengths and limitations, your ablity to deal with stress, and stressful situations. It also means knowing how to ask the right questions at the right time, listen for the answers, and if need be how to ask for help, and how to give it. It does not mean being an island unto yourself.

Success to me is not a mere material thing. I believe success means feeling capable, secure, and knowing who you are. Self esteem is a part of it, but it is not the biggest part, at least not empty self esteem. Feelings get hurt, successful people don’t go around blaming everyone else, they realize the hurt, accept the situation and move forward. Life has bumps, successful people do not lay down and give up when they have an obstacle, they ponder possible solutions (which includes not doing what ever is giving them the problem). Success means having a full and rich life, that may or may not include money.

I think we spend far too much time on results on our young people, without working on the very important social structures that they require. Having a support network, which INCLUDES parents, is the foundation for a functional society. So if you are raising your teens, and they are rebelling, or individuating, listen to them. What they perceive as harm is real to them, even if you feel you have had good reason, remember their perspective is valid. It is their experience. Admission to your part in that creates an honesty and openess in your communication line.

In fact, you can use it with adult children too. My own relationship with my mother could have been saved if she had but said these words, “I was wrong. I harmed you, I wish I could have seen other options, but I didn’t. I do now, and I regret not being able to fix it, but I can’t.” Instead, she chose to make excuses and justifications for her very wrong acts against me in my childhood and later into my adulthood.

Remember it takes nothing away to admit a mistake. In fact it can completely turn the situation around and mvoe from failure to success.

List of 10 Easy Ways to aid resiliency:

1) Give meaningful praise.   (Explain what they did correctly, or what you like about something they have done)

2) Do not assume they have understood what you want of them. (You may be assuming knowledge they do not yet possess).

3) Remember that children are people in their own right. Treat them with respect, which includes proving real consequences.

4) Keep consequences appropriate. Hitting is not appropriate, but letting a child fail can be. Do not rush homework to school, or make excuses for them, let them learn early that they need to be responsible for their things. If a toy breaks due to carelessness on the child’s part, do not run out to replace it.

5) Give children a role in the household. Having their own set of responsibilities will invest them.  Doing for them too much does not help them.

6) Allow a child to struggle, but also know when to step in.

7) Teach your child to ask for help, by asking them to help you appropriately to their age. (A three year old can peel an hard boiled egg).

8) Remember that you were young once too, and listened to your parents about as well as they listen to you.

9) Do not use shame, blame or guilt as parenting tools. It doesn’t do anything productive.

10) Use I statements versus You statements. “I feel _____________ about ________________ because______________” (Example:” I feel very angry about my vase being broken because it was special to me.”  which is far different from, “You broke my vase! I’m so mad at you!”)

Internal, External, Eternal, Now

Some days I wonder at the concept of being human. So many different cultural variances, mores, rules as to what is and is not correct behavior as a human being.

When you come to bare bones you have this:  You are born, you eat, sleep, excrete that which entered your system, wake up, eat, excrete, sleep, and move foreward from there…You learn rules, all kinds of rules, and internalize those rules into your every movement, sometimes you rebel against those rules. That too, is learned behavior, is it ever really you? When you individuate, is it ever really individualisation or merely the awareness of being you.

If you stay there, you are stuck. Because as a cell in the body is individual, if it does not act in concert with other cells, the body becomes ill.

As I sit looking at the world I know, I do wonder. Have we moved to a place where we can move beyond the incessant need for individuality? Can we be true to ourselves while searching the greater part of our species, our world, our universe. Imagine if we could surpass our technology with our humanity? What if we could evolve to such an awareness.

What would that look like?

Family Dynamics & Healing…

Ah Family Dynamics, we all got em…

When I say my family was all pretty on the outside and crappy on the inside, I don’t mean the whole family. I mean mostly my immediate family of birth. However, I find that the very things that allow abuse to continue, thrive and go un-hampered tend to be symptomatic in the complete dynamic of the familial structure.

I don’t say any of this with anger, or hate or frustration. I used to, I used to be very angry, frustrated and in deep pain over the issue. I am merely estabilishing it as a fact. If we can look at the facts, cease to  deny the fact that these truths exist, accept that they do exist, real and honest change can occur.

Let me illustrate. I was sexually, psychologically and emotionally abused as a child. Now, I did not become a child molester or rapist. However, as a new parent I chose to use yelling, and unthinking verbal assault as a form of corective action.

Ah here it comes, the justification and rationalization for my early parenting skills: “But you didn’t know better…”, “You did better than your parents…”, “At least you didn’t beat them….”

That kind of justification is systematic in our collective human experience. It is unproductive, it doesn’t help solve anything, and it often reinforces less than creative behaviors.  It is often said in kindness, meant to be a lack of judgment on a person, and at the same time those statements are also true. I did not know better, I did do better than my parents, and I did not beat my children. But, I was still perpetrating uncreative correction upon my children, and the of the matter is, those tools didn’t really work all that effectively. In fact, they didn’t work at all on my oldest child, what it did do was instill fear, and angry rebellion in a young child.

Very early in my parenting journey, I decided to work on healing my many “issues”, I didn’t even know what all of them were, the easiest to see and find were the physical and some of the psychological. Those were also the easiest to heal: they were obvious. It was the insidious manipulation, verbal and psychological, that was the hardest to pinpoint, because they were by far more socially acceptable, and more common in our everday behaviors.

I studied abnormal psychology, sociology, anthropology, and other forms of psychology (especially Adlerian, and Rogerian), in order to come to grips with “what was wrong” with me. Instead of just staying there with a diagnosis, I wanted to be better, healthier and felt my children deserved a far healthier childhood than I was giving them.

As I point out in Fearless Motherhood…a contradiction in terms, in 2001 (by which point I had already improved greatly in my parenting skills by reading many books and taking what I felt worked, and tossing what didn’t) I was asked to take a Developing Capable Young People (DCYP)10 week session course. All volunteers at my local resource center were asked to take this class, and it just so happened that it answered so many of my questions about communications, how to do effective problem solving and corrective action that did not involve denigration, nor excessive unthoughtful (unloving) punative action. From there I was asked to become a facilitator of the course, and was lucky to recieve my training from the creator the late H. Stephen Glenn Ph.D.  He changed my life.

More than assisting me as a parent, more than seeing what I could do differently in my own life and world of relationships.  I learned some of the reasons (not excuses) for why parents (including my own)  have these learned behaviors that don’t work other than to instill fear, rejection, rebellion, passive agression, etc, etc, etc. It is not about no consequences, that’s important, corrective action is required, but there are better ways.

Back to the basic premise of the post.

If you can imagine what life was like before the middle of the 20th century in the Western Hemisphere (and parts of the Eastern Hemisphere), we (humans) operated on a survival level. We were so busy surviving as a species, having to work so hard to find the food for each meal (unless you were of the upper social classes, then you were fighting for position and political gain), shelter for ones family. There were  manifold reasons for the harshness of the human condition.

With the current economic conditions, we are faced with a difficulty of survival not experienced by many in the West for generations. That doesn’t excuse us to revert  to, or continue  the old social patterns.

The reason why we’re in the situation to start with, is that Einstein’s axiom of “Our technology has superceded our humanity” is a reality. As we evolved our technology we did not evolve socially. The top/bottom approach to living, to having betters and lessers (parents/children), not valuing the human condition, and having those who do value the human condition mistaken kindness for lack of real and meaningful consequence is exactly why we are here.

Families are the microcosm of society, which is the microcosm of humanity. Point blank.

If we can alter our family relations, our adult/child relationships, our inter-generational relationships, we can have real and meaningful change in the world.

I try to do this with my children and extended relationships. Some days I’m more successful than others, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still occasionally loose my temper, or say something hurtful. It’s not about perfection, it’s how we deal with our imperfections that matter.

To see how something very simple could really help make your life easier, your relationships easier, and possibly make the world a better place, check out the video clip from DCYP. (It doesn’t cost anything,and I’m not trying to sell anything, it’s just a new way of looking at the world.)  If you are interested in taking a DCYP course or taking the training, there is information on the website. I am not affiliated with Capabilities Inc. in anyway, other than I took training from H. Stephen Glenn, Ph. D, he was a wonderful, loving, intelligent, compassionate, and thoughtful human being, his work and research changed my world, and my children’s world, and I am forever grateful for that!

If you would like to contact me about taking a class, and you live in the Pacific Northwest, please contact me with questions etc.

Saying for the day…Inspired Wisdom

I’m not sure if I channel or if it’s just some super part of me, or my brain or what; but occaisionally I have spontaneous, fabulous wisdom just pop out of my mouth. Always with right timing, always when it’s needed, never intrusive or unwanted. It’s kinda cool.

I mean at first I thought it was bizarre and a little scary, but once I calmed down and realized that it never happened when I didn’t want it to, life was cool…Then I thought about it. I’ve always just “known” things, like real facts and figures, and scientific principles. I knew them with out studying, or reading about them in school, I could get through most of my tests without having to try to study…so I don’t know maybe I’ve tapped into to some insane tarpit of knowledge.

That being said, now that I’ve completely explained it all inanely, here’s todays pearl of wisdom:

“Imagine a path, fill it flora of your choice, anima of your choice, only good(things you liike)  can come on this path, then imagine yourself walking up that path. Do so for 10 minutes a day. When complete with meditation ask yourself what is new in your awareness.”

Adventure The First…As promised, no puking!

That got your attention.didn’t it!?

Why no puking? Well, my friends that is one heck of a story. And you can believe it or not, because it does kinda feel “Ripley-ish” even to me.

Way back in 1999, I met my friends Gabrielle and Thomas Chavez. I met them in a really bizarre way, which is related to this story, but maybe needs it’s own page! Anyway, Gabrielle and I connected the very first time we spoke, and she has been my soul sister ever since (maybe even before we met, who knows!).

Gabrielle and Thomas have been practicing an alternative healing technique called Body Electronics for a really long time, in fact Thomas studied with the man who developed the practice. Another term for Body Electronics is Point Holidng, due to it’s relation to accupressure. Though in the case of Body Electronics it’s known as sustained accupressure. I came down to Portland this weekend to participate with the weekly group that meets at the Chavez abode as a point holder (as opposed to a point holdee), I promised my son that I would not puke. Why? Well, because from time to time, I have these things called a “spontaneous” cranial. And, they hurt, especially when you’re in resistance to the process. The last visit involved me having a “spontaneous” cranial and I puked for more than 6 hours, which is rather off putting for everyone (including the pukee).

So, my son made me promise that I would NOT  have a puke fest on this visit. I am glad to report that I did not. Now, let’s get to the back story on this, because it’s both some what humorous and interesting from an alternative healing perspective. (BTW if you’ve ever had something like this happen, I’d love to know. I’d hate to think I’m just so very special to be the only one. It’s never been my desire to be an esoteric Tigger.)

TIME TRAVELING….Waves of time moving back to the year 2000…

I was visiting my friends Gabrielle and Thomas at their home in Aloha, Oregon. It was April, spring was in full glory and Gabrielle’s flowering plum was in it’s full glory in the front yard. I came down to experience point holding for the first time, something I hadn’t been able to do when I lived in the area because of scheduling conflicts, and a big case of “don’t wanna go there.”  The night of the point holding, I got dropped hard into the experience, not knowing what to do, or what to expect, and had a very intense experience as a holder. It was enough to scare me away from being a holdee for two more years, though I continued as an infrequent holder.

The next day, Gabrielle, Thomas and I went out to lunch at a near by restaurant. As we stood in the salad bar line I started to get a really bad headache. Through out my childhood and through my mid-twenties I had been a Cluster Migraine sufferer, and this kind of felt like that, but didn’t come on sympto-matically. Not being a stranger to headaches, I had long ago learned to manage pain without asprin, or other drugs. Problem: nothing seemed to work. I didn’t want to dampen my friend’s outing by complaining about my headache, so I said nothing. My skull felt like it was prying apart (which in essence it was), and my stomach started to roil. I managed to keep it all down inside the restaurant, and finally at the end of the meal mentioned that I had “a bit of a headache.”

(Damn having lived in England, I have become Queen of the Understatement. What I should have said was, “OMG my head is being pulled a part!!)

We left the restaurant, got into the car and Gabrielle or Thomas had to make a “quick stop” for something. Again, not wishing to be a burden or bother, I said I could manage. That lasted for about half a block. As we approached the stop light, I said, “Oh my God I’m going to puke!” And proceeded to hurl out the car window. My clearest memory is of a poor Japanese woman, eyes and mouth wide in horror as I spewed my lunch out the back window of the car. Thomas chuckling in sympathy, as I cried out, “Oh my God she’ll think I’m drunk!” (Ever worried about appearances, and feeling really bad the poor woman was in line of sight of my lunch.)

We returned back to the Chavez household, and Gabrielle went into “Gabrielle-mode” (care taker extra-ordinary) grabbing me water, wash cloth, blanket and pillow. Thomas ever the great alternative healer, got a quizzical look on his face, and said, “I wonder…” That didn’t help, I prompted him to complete the thought out loud. ” I think you’re having a spontaneous cranial, here let me try something.”   I remember thinking, a spontaneous whozawhatsit?

He told me to open my mouth, I did, and then he pushed a point at the back of my hard palate almost where it meets the soft palate and I nearly shot through the roof. “WOAH!!!!!!” I resisted the urge to bite his finger and kick  him squarely in the balls. It hurt like hades in a winter storm! Did I mention I was so not okay with a level 11 pain (that’s 11 out of 10). My stomach roiled again and I puked, this time making it to a proper porcelain receptacle.

When I finally could wash up a bit, I laid down on the couch, and asked them what the hell had they done to me. I mean for Heaven’s sake I trusted them. Did they do this to me?  Thomas shook his head, and told me it was the only “spontaneous cranial” he’d ever heard of. Brilliant. Once again a freak…I so didn’t need that.

So, I asked what a cranial was, cause I had no clue. Thomas explained it was a manipulation of the cranial bones to enlarge the skull or shape it to it’s preferred shape (what ever that meant), and that in Point Holding it takes many sessions to get to that place. He couldn’t understand why I the newbee was having this experience, but I obviously was, and so I shouldn’t resist it but come to acceptance.

Say what? Accept that amount of “F*&*%&$^$” pain? You have so got to be joking! As soon as such thoughts entered my head I puked. I hate puking as much as I hate mind bending pain, and the two go hand in hand in my past experience. I was supposed to accept this? (Puke) There was no way (Puke) that I could accept (puke) this…

After a few hours of the resistant thought/puke cycle, exhausted, wiped out and willing to die (literally), I looked at Thomas, from a horizontal position on the couch, and said feebaly, “I don’t care if I die, what do I need to do to “not resist this”.”

Knowing that my beliefs are rooted in Christianity, but that I am open to many faiths and paths, Thomas explained a form of renunciation, and acceptance. He offered to lead me through some guided imagery, which I was able to accept, and I began a most moving experience.

The whole shabang of imagery lasted maybe 20 minutes, but felt like hours and only a second at the same time. By the time we finished, my head no longer hurt but for that dull residue that let’s you know you’ve really been a hurting unit. I looked out the window, and in no wind (because nothing else was moving) the petals of the plum tree fell like confetti from a victory parade.

TIME TRAVEL FAST FORWARD TO 2009….waves of color shifting, wooooosh…….

After promising my son that I would not have a puke fest, I asked him to do some energy work on me to help facilitate my body’s change (that we all kind of felt might be coming)…he’s almost 13 and has been attuned to the first degree of Reiki.

So, Thursday night I held points, no headache, life’s good. Hah! I showed me! 

Friday comes, I wake up with that unique ache that can only be felt from a cranial. Crap. and Double Crap. It always leads to something good, but man, I’m not sure I can do this without puking. I promised, and a promise is a promise.

So, I refrained from puking but accepting and “loving” (in the true sense of love as acceptance vs romanticized gah gah) each roll of my stomach. I went about the day with my friend Gabrielle, who had been on the table the night before with a “spinal” (laying on her tummy while points were held on her back). We were getting supplies for a catering event she was doing this weekend, I was helping prep the food. Gabrielle is a brilliant Raw Food Chef, and makes some of the best darn “guilt free” desserts known to man!

I have an essential oil lotion designed for migraines (though I no longer get them, I find this lotion helps for a tense neck and shoulder issue I have), it does work like wonders for headaches. I was using it liberally on my forehead just above my eyebrows. Gabrielle mentioned the smell was delicious and comforting her own mild headache, which was occuring in the same place. I hadn’t mentioned the headache yet, and she grinned and said, “You promised Yousif, no puking.”

“Yup, and we’re doing good so far.” was my reply.

Knowing that “what resists persists”, I accepted my loathing of puking, my promise, and the fact that my stomach was currently feeling in good shape. I try to cover the bases.

Fast forward; I made it through the day, with NO PUKING! WHOOT…but by evening most of the bones had shifted, in my forehead, and my sinus area. Though the left side of my occipital bone still ached like it was stuck. That night I asked for guidance, and was given the chance to accept a “blessing.”

The amount of energy that poured into me was like a sword or lance of pure love, knowledge, time and space, it was as I was filled with the universe itself. It was like a four hour point holding experience in three seconds, and that is beyond intense! I sobbed, I laughed, I saw a rainbow encircling violet in my minds eye, just as if a prism were relecting on a white wall on a sunny day.

I felt as if I had become a collection of particles, and my muscles twitched, and moved oddly, my friend’s watched in amazement, and offered a bit of validation. I took a bath in their lovely tub hoping to collect myself back up, new and improved for what ever that means.

I twittered:  have been struck with the sword of knowledge and truth…overwhelmed with the joy and pain of being human…ever the fool I am a rainbow

 

That’s my story morning glory…It could be real, it could be a fiction, it could be anything…I believe it to be part of my reality in truth. And I know I didn’t puke, I kept my promise, gained a new place of understanding about myself and my roll in the universe, and expanded my capacity to love. Which is all pretty darned cool, so even if it’s an illusion/delusion I’ll take it!