Raising succesful children
Parents have a great deal of pressure layed upon their shoulders to raise successful children. From the moment the child is brought forth into the world (or even before that fateful day) parents are constantly harassed with messages from the media, their society, their respective cultures (especially in the West) that they must raise these children without error. To err in your parenting means you will have failures for chidlren.
No one ever spells out what fatal errors you can make, not in real terms, nor do they truly define success. What is success? What is failure? How do you fail as a parent? How do you succeed? And the biggest question yet, goes unasked or unanswered: What happens when you do fail your children? Because you will, not only once but more than once, even when you do your best at the time with the tools you have.
So many parenting experts and theories abound that it’s enough to drive a parent crazy trying to find the answers to their questions. In my own parenting I have learned a lot, mostly from my failures, though I am happily at a stage in parenting to see some fruits of my labors appearing and I am able to count the blessings of what has worked (often because of my failures).
So, let’s get the failures out of the way, first: Beyond emotional, psychological, phyiscal, sexual and verbal abuse there are many ways to fail a child. The former are dire, and some common, and far more common than most people like to admit to. There is no excuse for those failures. As a matter of fact there are no excuses for any failure, but there are reasons. It is wrong to assume that children “bounce” from trauma. Some do, and some don’t, creating resiliency is the key. Just like every parent will fail at some point, every child will accept failure, or trauma, or having been failed. It’s the ability to cope with such events in life, and the understanding that these things indeed happen but it is your response to them that truly defines you (not the event itself) that makes or breaks a life.
In my own journey I started out with a tool box filled by my family history (just like every other parent on planet Earth), some of the tools were good, and many were unproductive. One of those was yelling, being unable to deal with frustrations well and a lack of understanding that a child is a child, a person in training. I changed out those particular parenting tools (because they didnt’ work) with new ones after I took a Developing Capable Young People training session, and added in some new tools. It took several years to master those tools, but then it takes that long to master any skill. Parenting is a skill.
When my daughter turned 13, life was very difficult between her and I. We fought constantly, and no matter which tools I attempted to use, I felt as if I were drowning in a sea of annimosity. I did not give birth to my children to love me, or to be grateful, but neither did I wish them to out right hate me. She and I were heading firmly down that path when one day in a fit of rage she spun on me and listed in a stream of vitriol everything I had done wrong up to that point as a parent. At first, I reacted (internally) in anger and pain to her words, but something kept my mouth shut, and I let her spew her anger, frsutration, and yes, hate, at me. It hurt. It hurt a lot, but the thought rang in my head. “She’s right you know. You have done or not done all of those things she’s accusing you of…”
When she paused for breath, I took a deep breath myself and said, “You’re right. I failed you. I am so sorry. I wish I could take every hurtful thing I have said or done back, but I can’t. I did have anger issues when you were young, and I treated you badly some times, I was wrong.”
She stared at me. I stared at her. And internally I thought, “Wow, if I had been told that as a young person, what would my life be like?”
It took NOTHING away from my authority to admit my mistakes, my errors, and my failures as a parent. Once things were calm, I addressed the issue further with her, and also made sure to redirect her attention to the present, asking her if I still did the same things. Not so much to clear myself, but to make sure that she and I were clear. It saved our relationship. That five minute diatribe of hers, and my 20 second admission of fault, saved us from a hellish few years.
She’s almost sixteen now, and we still go toe to toe on occaision. I am quite aware that she is the child, and I am the parent. My authority is not in question, not in my mind nor in hers. She pushes for dominance because biology is telling her to. She is beginning the long slope down hill to independant living. My goal as a parent has and always will be to facilitate my children’s ability to become self sufficient human beings capable of defining their lives, and ensuring their success in the world. I see that she will have that, though she is still in training.
What do I mean by self sufficient? What do I mean by success?
Self sufficient means able to care for yourself and possible dependant people in your life. It means knowing what you can and cannot do, your strengths and limitations, your ablity to deal with stress, and stressful situations. It also means knowing how to ask the right questions at the right time, listen for the answers, and if need be how to ask for help, and how to give it. It does not mean being an island unto yourself.
Success to me is not a mere material thing. I believe success means feeling capable, secure, and knowing who you are. Self esteem is a part of it, but it is not the biggest part, at least not empty self esteem. Feelings get hurt, successful people don’t go around blaming everyone else, they realize the hurt, accept the situation and move forward. Life has bumps, successful people do not lay down and give up when they have an obstacle, they ponder possible solutions (which includes not doing what ever is giving them the problem). Success means having a full and rich life, that may or may not include money.
I think we spend far too much time on results on our young people, without working on the very important social structures that they require. Having a support network, which INCLUDES parents, is the foundation for a functional society. So if you are raising your teens, and they are rebelling, or individuating, listen to them. What they perceive as harm is real to them, even if you feel you have had good reason, remember their perspective is valid. It is their experience. Admission to your part in that creates an honesty and openess in your communication line.
In fact, you can use it with adult children too. My own relationship with my mother could have been saved if she had but said these words, “I was wrong. I harmed you, I wish I could have seen other options, but I didn’t. I do now, and I regret not being able to fix it, but I can’t.” Instead, she chose to make excuses and justifications for her very wrong acts against me in my childhood and later into my adulthood.
Remember it takes nothing away to admit a mistake. In fact it can completely turn the situation around and mvoe from failure to success.
List of 10 Easy Ways to aid resiliency:
1) Give meaningful praise. (Explain what they did correctly, or what you like about something they have done)
2) Do not assume they have understood what you want of them. (You may be assuming knowledge they do not yet possess).
3) Remember that children are people in their own right. Treat them with respect, which includes proving real consequences.
4) Keep consequences appropriate. Hitting is not appropriate, but letting a child fail can be. Do not rush homework to school, or make excuses for them, let them learn early that they need to be responsible for their things. If a toy breaks due to carelessness on the child’s part, do not run out to replace it.
5) Give children a role in the household. Having their own set of responsibilities will invest them. Doing for them too much does not help them.
6) Allow a child to struggle, but also know when to step in.
7) Teach your child to ask for help, by asking them to help you appropriately to their age. (A three year old can peel an hard boiled egg).
8) Remember that you were young once too, and listened to your parents about as well as they listen to you.
9) Do not use shame, blame or guilt as parenting tools. It doesn’t do anything productive.
10) Use I statements versus You statements. “I feel _____________ about ________________ because______________” (Example:” I feel very angry about my vase being broken because it was special to me.” which is far different from, “You broke my vase! I’m so mad at you!”)
